Rick Robinson: Basketball Jong
This column is written by Northern Kentucky attorney and author Rick Robinson. It originally appeared at Rare.
Through an unnamed NSA source, Rare has been able to obtain a transcript of the broadcast for the basketball game between Dennis Rodman’s NBA All Stars and North Korea’s National Team. CBS – the Commie Broadcasting Station – hired Brent Musburger for play-byplay and legendary Dick Vitale to provide color.
We join the broadcast in progress:
Brent Musburger: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Dick Vitale and welcome to …
Dick Vitale: No bay-bee, I’m Dickey V. You’re Brent Musburger. Shake and Bake, try to stay awake.
Musburger: Right, well, then I’m Brent Musburger and welcome to Pyongyung, North Korea where tonight, a group of former NBA professional basketball players led by Dennis Rodman will play an exhibition match against North Korea’s national team. North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong un is on the bench with his nation’s best players to observe the game close-up.
Vitale: This is awesome, bay-bee, with a capital “A.” There hasn’t been this kind of excitement north of the 38th parallel since the Soviets invaded Manchuria.
Musburger: Time for the tipoff. Ball is in the air and Dennis Rodman wins the opening jump ball.
Vitale: I’m telling ya something Brent, even with the long train on that white wedding dress, I can’t believe how high Rodman jumps. He’s scary good.
Musburger: Kenny Anderson works the ball around the perimeter. Passes it over to Vin Baker who put’s it up for two. Good. Oh and he draws a foul. Baker is going to the charity stripe to try for three the old fashioned way.
Vitale: And I’ll tell you what bay-bee, Kim Jung un is not happy at all about that call. He is talking to the referee.
Musburger: He better watch himself, Dick or he’s going to get a technical foul called on the North Korean bench.
Vitale: Bad move by the ref, there, bay-bee. Kim Jung un has just had the man in zebra stripes removed from the floor and thrown to a pack of wild ravenous dogs.
Musburger: Wow. You sure don’t see that happen every day.
Vitale: He’s a PTDer, a Prime Time Dictator, bay-bee.
Musburger: Baker makes the free throw and that puts Rodman’s All Stars up three to zip in the opening moments of this game. The North Korean team is going to have to slow down the tempo and execute each time down the floor.
Vitale: Don’t say execute too loud, bay-bee. This Jung un cat takes it seriously. He’s a Dictator Dandy.
Musburger: Hey Dick, how about Kim Jung un’s wife? Isn’t she beautiful? Those tyrants get all the good-looking women.
Vitale: Oh she’s scary pretty, Brent. You know, I was going over her stats before the game and she had one of her husband’s old girlfriends executed this past year.
Musburger: Still, she’s really pretty.
Vitale: Pretty vicious, bay-bee, with a capital “V.”
Musgurger: Back to the basketball action where North Korea’s Joo Wan Yeonan-Yissi drives the lane and, oh, gets the ball slapped away by Eric “Sleepy” Floyd.
Vitale: Oh bay-bee, these heels are on fire.
Musburger: They’re not playing the Tar Heels, Dick.
Vitale: No, I mean his heels are really on fire. Kim Jung un set Joo Wan on fire for the mistake, Somebody call the fire chief to put it out, bay-bee.
Musburger: And that brings us to our first television time out. We’ll be back for more exciting basketball action after we hear from our sponsor. When you want to execute a Cabinet Secretary by tying them to a pole and tossing explosives at them, make sure you use Mioka’s Mortar Shells, the official execution explosives of Kim Jung un. I’m Dick Vitale and we’ll be back in just a minute.
Vitale: Shake and bake, you feel the quake.
Rick Robinson is an award-winning novelist and top-selling political humorist. Follow him on Twitter @authorRick