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Rick Robinson: All Humor Created Before End of Year to Be Banned

SATIRE

WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Communications (FCC) today voted unanimously to ban all humor created before December 30, 2018. In a contentious, yet politically correct hearing, the FCC voted that all humorous content created before the end of the year would be banned from future publication, sale or rebroadcast.

The plan, known as Operation Emoji Frownie Face, will go into effect at the stroke of midnight on December 31, 2018.

As part of the plan to implement the program, beginning in 2019, all allegedly humorous content (printed, broadcast or spoken) will be submitted to an on-line government portal for approval. Thereafter, an AI robot (Reality and Intrusive Values Kill Interpersonal Nature, or RIVKIN, for short) will determine whether the comment is either offensive or funny.

Creators of any offensive material will be subject to fines and imprisonment, while government-approved humor will be shipped to the Hallmark Channel for immediate production.

The issue of pre-approved humor was brought to a head by lobbyists for the movie industry concerned that any person chosen to be host of the Academy Awards may have actually spoken prior to 2019. “And, of course, the use of RIVKIN approved humor also diverts everyone’s attention from the industry’s involvement with Harvey Weinstein” said one lobbyist who wished to remain anonymous.

“There is no government right to humor,” said FCC hand-wringer Barney Mellonhead in explaining his vote supporting the action.  “In fact, for the most part, the Founders were humorless. Except for John Witherspoon of New Jersey, who did stand-up at pubs around the thirteen colonies, they all were pretty serious.”

Editor’s Note – Files at the National Archives reveal Witherspoon was, in fact, a stand-up. Here’s one of his jokes: “Knock. Knock. Who’s There? King George. King George who?  THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!”

The FCC’s Mellonhead went on to explain, “This vote today solves a lot of problems. Thankfully, we will no longer have to judge speech of one generation by the values of another.  RIVKIN will now do that for us.”

When asked about pioneers in humor that attempted to change society via laughter, Mellonhead admitted he had never heard of Lenny Bruce, Mel Brooks or Bill Hicks. “But I’ll be glad to run their material by RIVKIN,” he said.

Following the vote, comedian Kevin Hart announced his retirement and the eBay price of Richard Pryor records skyrocketed.

Editor’s Note – The River City News is certain that any connection between RIVKIN and the Chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America’s Chairman, Charles Rivkin, is purely coincidental. Otherwise, that would be funny and subject to pre-approval.

Rick Robinson’s latest novel The Promise of Cedar Key is available at Joseph Beth in Crestview Hills and on Amazon (at least until the ban takes place).