Rabbit Hash Mayor, Lucy Lou the Dog, Pardons Punxsutawney Phil
An unprecedented coup occurred this morning when the Mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky granted an official pardon to Punxsutawney Phil of Pennsylvania for the charges leveled by a Butler County, Ohio attorney calling for the death penalty for Phil, claiming “the misrepresentation of an early Spring, an Unclassified Felony, and against the peace and dignity of the State of Ohio.”
According to Mayor Lucy Lou, time was running out for the ‘sequestered’ accused famous weather prognosticator due mainly to the procrastinator mindset of our inept Congress. Lucy Lou quickly pointed out that in animal language, the word congress refers to a congregation of baboons and the moniker therefore appropriately assigned.
“Ever since the viral indictment has hit the social media waves,” Mayor Lucy explained, “Phil has been hiding out in the endless subterranean tunnel systems all throughout northern Pennsylvania, traveling by night and stealthily hiding by day.” She added that she was troubled and appalled by the lackadaisical treatment of this modern day Salem witch hunt by our President, as well as the governors of the surrounding states. “Anyone of them could have easily pardoned Phil and granted him a stay of execution. They are simply treating him as if he were a common cur human. I just couldn’t lie on the porch and do nothing!”
Phil’s people initially tried contacting the Pope to seek a papal dispensation citing the argument that God’s creatures had no power over the weather or climate, specifically global cooling, but multiple failed attempts to answer the scratching at the palace door led them to believe that no one was home. Mayor Lou exercised her executive right of pardon by proclaiming an untried emergency conditional power buried deeply within the tenets of her mayoral privileges. “My legal Beagles were able to dig it out like a well hidden soup bone. And we took immediate action.”
The mayor declined a press conference at this time explaining “For Phil’s personal safety, my people will keep him securely hidden until our President has completed his mission of taking away all the humans’ guns. There will always be that nut case Elmer Fudd out there. That is why I have placed a 24/7 canine force around the Easter Bunny. The days of spontaneous rabbit hash around here are over.”
Source: news release
Photo: Lucy Lou the Mayor of Rabbit Hash